just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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