I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Who died my cat blue again?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
