Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
