i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
