3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize