Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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