I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
