He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
