Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
