just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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