I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
