Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
