even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
