I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize