when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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