I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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