i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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