I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
