I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
