What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
