ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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