The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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