420 ftw
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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