stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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