Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Houston, we have a blender
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
