wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
