GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
