I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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