sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
