All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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