It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
