Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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