I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I want her autograph on my taint
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
