Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize