I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
