we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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