i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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