True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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