Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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