just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
