if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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