he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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