She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
