I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
