I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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