i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
