Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
