I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
