My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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