Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
