So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
