I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
