Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
