just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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