Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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