Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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