the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
