all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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