i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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