I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
