i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize