Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
