Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize