remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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