Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
