Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
