Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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